Crimson

Hi. So I'm alive. What's up, huh? Corona. Backdoor government and a few other things. We were asked to stay home and quarantine ourselves. I literally have no problem with that. I guess I've been that way since forever. Only meet my friend once a week, I prefer to stay at home. But I do love to go out, walking and just appreciating the world. But not with people. One or two, yeah. So, no problemo. Despite RMO, I still gotta work. This gal got a mouth to feed. Lately, I've been looking for my old acquaintances from primary school to secondary school and college. I see their lives are great. Mine is just fine. I owe them apologies. The thing is, I was lost. Hold on, this is not me trying to justify myself. Rather to tell you that I never find who I am. Till this day. When in primary school, I was a bitter kid, with three friends who end up hated me. I don't blame them. I would hate me too. I was also not an intellectual and what you call "pick-me-girl" the

It was my birthday, last friday. 28th June. It was like a bummer. No one actually remembers. It's sad. It's sad because they all piled up with works and they forgot. I don't blame them but it hurts. Like all the wishes be like " Hey happy birthday, sorry I was busy" like...yeah I know. I mean it's truly hurt. nah. I'll get over it.

      I'm sorry I was born. I didn't ask for it, I don't know why God would create me. I have no purposes. I keep on failing and messing everything up. It is my fault everytime. I wish I was normal. Not this angry bitch. Not a bitch with anger issue and keep messing everything up. I'm sorry. Mom, I'm so sorry that you daughter is THIS. A fat ugly stress angry cow. I'm sorry I'm not a dietician like you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I didn't meet up your expectation. I'm sorry I always mad at you. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm so sorry mom. Dad, I'm so sorry I let you down. I disappoint you, everytime. I'm not a good daughter. I'm sorry that I always make you angry with me, yelling towards me, I have no intention. I'm sorry that I cannot meet up to your expectation. I'm sorry that you only have one daughter, but she is a bitch. I'm sorry that you only have one daughter, but she is nothing like you i

anger. If there is one emotion I wish I could not feel is anger. It destroys me. Destroys everything I love. No one gets it what it feels like. I don't want to be angry but something little ticked me off and boom- I exploded. I can't do it. I can't control the anger. I keep hurting people I love. I take it out on them. I dumped my shits to people who cared about me and I pushed them away. It hurts.

You know most of the time I always daydreaming about my life, How I want to have a good condition of mental health,  further my study, to have a good life, great job, happy family , amazing friends  and how I would meet my soulmate-- I wanted he is my best friend. But none of that I achieved. I don't know what I did to deserve the life I lived now. I know I can't recover from depression, of course. But can't I be happy? Can't I be calm and lovevable like everyone else? Why I am like this? I am ugly, enough. But why can't be I happy, calm and have all things figured out? I am constantly living in anxiety and anger. I lashed out to everyone, including my own family. My family's condition isn't great. Things got worse and I'm tired. I have friends-- they all got into university. One in Edinburgh, Living the life I wanted. One got the course I'm dying to learn. Two got lucky. I don't have a soulmate. I won't ever. Life is so cruel to me, ma

Hello. So life decided to fail me again when I don't get any offer to university. I would be lying my ass off I didn't say that I am not disappointed. Hell, I was broken. My result is not that bad to not get any offer. But I don't know, everyone keeps saying takda rezeki and so on. That I should be grateful bla bla. I am grateful. But I want to study and my poor ass doesn't have money like you rich sons of bitches. But Allah knows better. Maybe one day I'll understand. Maybe my road to success (if there is one and i am not optimistic) does not require any universities. so yeah. But I did reapplied and applied for non government. But nah. There ain't hope. So, I don't know what to do with my life. I think I'm gonna rot. anyway, so long bitches.