Save Me.

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Things have changed so much these 2 years. I am not who I used to be or who I supposed to be.

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Would it?

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Finally, I have the time and  the internet. I would describe my week as painful and stormy. heh. I constantly waiting for friday, and that, that is pain, you know. I mean, everyone understand the feeling, of course. I want to change my life , yet here I am neglecting my study although my second semester's result was very bad. I failed one subject I never passed, hehe. Pengajian Am asked too much, I mean. I never understand what MPM wanted. One second they told us every tricks to pass the subject, later they decided to change the scheme. Economics which I studied so hard, I only got C-. A little bit more would have reach my target. Pengajian Perniagaan C although I expected a B and lastly, Sejarah which I expected to fail, C. I mean, my result was not pretty or something that can make anyone proud but Allah knows I tried my best. And here I am, neglecting my studies again. Just kidding, I just finished my kerja kursus. Done editing. I can't do much since it's alrea...
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I'M STILL HERE

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You know most of the time I always daydreaming about my life, How I want to have a good condition of mental health,  further my study, to have a good life, great job, happy family , amazing friends  and how I would meet my soulmate-- I wanted he is my best friend. But none of that I achieved. I don't know what I did to deserve the life I lived now. I know I can't recover from depression, of course. But can't I be happy? Can't I be calm and lovevable like everyone else? Why I am like this? I am ugly, enough. But why can't be I happy, calm and have all things figured out? I am constantly living in anxiety and anger. I lashed out to everyone, including my own family. My family's condition isn't great. Things got worse and I'm tired. I have friends-- they all got into university. One in Edinburgh, Living the life I wanted. One got the course I'm dying to learn. Two got lucky. I don't have a soulmate. I won't ever. Life is so cruel to me, ma...
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I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear.

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Hey, I tried to make everything okay. But I just mess it up. I've ruined everything. Sometimes I wish I am dead, you know. Haha who am I kidding, I'm useless anyway. To think again, why am I here? I fucked everything up. I love my family, but we started to fall apart. Can't blame them, though. They've done everything for me,  I am ungrateful bitch. What did I do for them? Absolutely nothing. I'm better off dead. Yes, absolutely. Wow I am so pathetic. Dear moms, Ya'll did great. I love you guys. Sorry I never do anything great. Sorry I am your daughter. You deserve more. A daughter that helps you in the kitchen, A daughter that do chores not like me. I am stupid I can't even do chores. Sorry. Sorry that I am your  daughter  Sorry I was ever born. Dear Abah, I wish you know you are my hero. You do a lot of great things, I am so lucky that you are my father. But I feel pity for you because I am not what you want.  I am useless, rude, stupid,ungrateful and g...
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