Crimson

      I'm sorry I was born. I didn't ask for it, I don't know why God would create me. I have no purposes. I keep on failing and messing everything up. It is my fault everytime. I wish I was normal. Not this angry bitch. Not a bitch with anger issue and keep messing everything up. I'm sorry. Mom, I'm so sorry that you daughter is THIS. A fat ugly stress angry cow. I'm sorry I'm not a dietician like you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I didn't meet up your expectation. I'm sorry I always mad at you. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm so sorry mom. Dad, I'm so sorry I let you down. I disappoint you, everytime. I'm not a good daughter. I'm sorry that I always make you angry with me, yelling towards me, I have no intention. I'm sorry that I cannot meet up to your expectation. I'm sorry that you only have one daughter, but she is a bitch. I'm sorry that you only have one daughter, but she is nothing like you i...

anger. If there is one emotion I wish I could not feel is anger. It destroys me. Destroys everything I love. No one gets it what it feels like. I don't want to be angry but something little ticked me off and boom- I exploded. I can't do it. I can't control the anger. I keep hurting people I love. I take it out on them. I dumped my shits to people who cared about me and I pushed them away. It hurts.

You know most of the time I always daydreaming about my life, How I want to have a good condition of mental health,  further my study, to have a good life, great job, happy family , amazing friends  and how I would meet my soulmate-- I wanted he is my best friend. But none of that I achieved. I don't know what I did to deserve the life I lived now. I know I can't recover from depression, of course. But can't I be happy? Can't I be calm and lovevable like everyone else? Why I am like this? I am ugly, enough. But why can't be I happy, calm and have all things figured out? I am constantly living in anxiety and anger. I lashed out to everyone, including my own family. My family's condition isn't great. Things got worse and I'm tired. I have friends-- they all got into university. One in Edinburgh, Living the life I wanted. One got the course I'm dying to learn. Two got lucky. I don't have a soulmate. I won't ever. Life is so cruel to me, ma...

Hello. So life decided to fail me again when I don't get any offer to university. I would be lying my ass off I didn't say that I am not disappointed. Hell, I was broken. My result is not that bad to not get any offer. But I don't know, everyone keeps saying takda rezeki and so on. That I should be grateful bla bla. I am grateful. But I want to study and my poor ass doesn't have money like you rich sons of bitches. But Allah knows better. Maybe one day I'll understand. Maybe my road to success (if there is one and i am not optimistic) does not require any universities. so yeah. But I did reapplied and applied for non government. But nah. There ain't hope. So, I don't know what to do with my life. I think I'm gonna rot. anyway, so long bitches.

THE ROAD SO FAR. Hell, it's been a long time since the freaking last time I blogged. A lot of good things happened to me as much as bad things, I don't know how to react. I guess I'm slowly becoming numb. Maybe it's a good thing. I don't know. Everyone I knew literally has better lives than me, and here I am, blogging because I have no better things to do. This is what I'm good at. Also, movies. Like?? How can I survive life? I literally have no reaction to anything, anymore. What, my customer yelled at me? Oh ok. Family drama? Ok. Pointer 2.58? Nah. Damn. Also, I don't know if I'm going to blog anymore. Just in case if this is gonna be last post ;  Farewell. Thank you for being here with me.

Adios, people. 

Finally, I have the time and  the internet. I would describe my week as painful and stormy. heh. I constantly waiting for friday, and that, that is pain, you know. I mean, everyone understand the feeling, of course. I want to change my life , yet here I am neglecting my study although my second semester's result was very bad. I failed one subject I never passed, hehe. Pengajian Am asked too much, I mean. I never understand what MPM wanted. One second they told us every tricks to pass the subject, later they decided to change the scheme. Economics which I studied so hard, I only got C-. A little bit more would have reach my target. Pengajian Perniagaan C although I expected a B and lastly, Sejarah which I expected to fail, C. I mean, my result was not pretty or something that can make anyone proud but Allah knows I tried my best. And here I am, neglecting my studies again. Just kidding, I just finished my kerja kursus. Done editing. I can't do much since it's alrea...