Crimson

Hello everyone! I turned 22 today! Surprisingly people remembered! It's not like the last time. Except for this year... I actually demanded a gift because they forgot my birthday last year. So it's fun. I had a blast. Plus, yesterday was Adeeb's wedding day.   So this is from my eldest sister. She gave me this lipstick so early.     Sobella from Zabrina! And that's me wearing it! This is from my elder brother. Damn thanks!!    From my second sister!   From my second brother!   From my dad!! My littlest brother also gave me a really cute keychain but I did not manage to take a picture. Everything is so exciting for me because I rarely received a gift. Alhamdulillah. Thank you, everyone.  Plus, I have a few gifts coming.     So, this is me. Happy birthday to me. Suck it up, girl!  

Hi. So I'm alive. What's up, huh? Corona. Backdoor government and a few other things. We were asked to stay home and quarantine ourselves. I literally have no problem with that. I guess I've been that way since forever. Only meet my friend once a week, I prefer to stay at home. But I do love to go out, walking and just appreciating the world. But not with people. One or two, yeah. So, no problemo. Despite RMO, I still gotta work. This gal got a mouth to feed. Lately, I've been looking for my old acquaintances from primary school to secondary school and college. I see their lives are great. Mine is just fine. I owe them apologies. The thing is, I was lost. Hold on, this is not me trying to justify myself. Rather to tell you that I never find who I am. Till this day. When in primary school, I was a bitter kid, with three friends who end up hated me. I don't blame them. I would hate me too. I was also not an intellectual and what you call "pick-me-girl" the...

It was my birthday, last friday. 28th June. It was like a bummer. No one actually remembers. It's sad. It's sad because they all piled up with works and they forgot. I don't blame them but it hurts. Like all the wishes be like " Hey happy birthday, sorry I was busy" like...yeah I know. I mean it's truly hurt. nah. I'll get over it.

      I'm sorry I was born. I didn't ask for it, I don't know why God would create me. I have no purposes. I keep on failing and messing everything up. It is my fault everytime. I wish I was normal. Not this angry bitch. Not a bitch with anger issue and keep messing everything up. I'm sorry. Mom, I'm so sorry that you daughter is THIS. A fat ugly stress angry cow. I'm sorry I'm not a dietician like you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I didn't meet up your expectation. I'm sorry I always mad at you. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm so sorry mom. Dad, I'm so sorry I let you down. I disappoint you, everytime. I'm not a good daughter. I'm sorry that I always make you angry with me, yelling towards me, I have no intention. I'm sorry that I cannot meet up to your expectation. I'm sorry that you only have one daughter, but she is a bitch. I'm sorry that you only have one daughter, but she is nothing like you i...

anger. If there is one emotion I wish I could not feel is anger. It destroys me. Destroys everything I love. No one gets it what it feels like. I don't want to be angry but something little ticked me off and boom- I exploded. I can't do it. I can't control the anger. I keep hurting people I love. I take it out on them. I dumped my shits to people who cared about me and I pushed them away. It hurts.

You know most of the time I always daydreaming about my life, How I want to have a good condition of mental health,  further my study, to have a good life, great job, happy family , amazing friends  and how I would meet my soulmate-- I wanted he is my best friend. But none of that I achieved. I don't know what I did to deserve the life I lived now. I know I can't recover from depression, of course. But can't I be happy? Can't I be calm and lovevable like everyone else? Why I am like this? I am ugly, enough. But why can't be I happy, calm and have all things figured out? I am constantly living in anxiety and anger. I lashed out to everyone, including my own family. My family's condition isn't great. Things got worse and I'm tired. I have friends-- they all got into university. One in Edinburgh, Living the life I wanted. One got the course I'm dying to learn. Two got lucky. I don't have a soulmate. I won't ever. Life is so cruel to me, ma...

Hello. So life decided to fail me again when I don't get any offer to university. I would be lying my ass off I didn't say that I am not disappointed. Hell, I was broken. My result is not that bad to not get any offer. But I don't know, everyone keeps saying takda rezeki and so on. That I should be grateful bla bla. I am grateful. But I want to study and my poor ass doesn't have money like you rich sons of bitches. But Allah knows better. Maybe one day I'll understand. Maybe my road to success (if there is one and i am not optimistic) does not require any universities. so yeah. But I did reapplied and applied for non government. But nah. There ain't hope. So, I don't know what to do with my life. I think I'm gonna rot. anyway, so long bitches.

THE ROAD SO FAR. Hell, it's been a long time since the freaking last time I blogged. A lot of good things happened to me as much as bad things, I don't know how to react. I guess I'm slowly becoming numb. Maybe it's a good thing. I don't know. Everyone I knew literally has better lives than me, and here I am, blogging because I have no better things to do. This is what I'm good at. Also, movies. Like?? How can I survive life? I literally have no reaction to anything, anymore. What, my customer yelled at me? Oh ok. Family drama? Ok. Pointer 2.58? Nah. Damn. Also, I don't know if I'm going to blog anymore. Just in case if this is gonna be last post ;  Farewell. Thank you for being here with me.

Adios, people. 

Finally, I have the time and  the internet. I would describe my week as painful and stormy. heh. I constantly waiting for friday, and that, that is pain, you know. I mean, everyone understand the feeling, of course. I want to change my life , yet here I am neglecting my study although my second semester's result was very bad. I failed one subject I never passed, hehe. Pengajian Am asked too much, I mean. I never understand what MPM wanted. One second they told us every tricks to pass the subject, later they decided to change the scheme. Economics which I studied so hard, I only got C-. A little bit more would have reach my target. Pengajian Perniagaan C although I expected a B and lastly, Sejarah which I expected to fail, C. I mean, my result was not pretty or something that can make anyone proud but Allah knows I tried my best. And here I am, neglecting my studies again. Just kidding, I just finished my kerja kursus. Done editing. I can't do much since it's alrea...

I am so freaking tired and it's not even a month of semester three. I don't know whether I'm giving up or anything but I truly have zero motivations to do things. Oh wanna know something? I'm in the middle of trying to survive days without my damn huawei that needs to be fixed. 3310 is too much for me :'D nah I was like "okay" but it's very difficult to do things like college stuff. Also I am freaking broke,man. Really. I need to find someone that can pick me and send me home until I got my license because I don't want to live here anymore. As much as I pitied them because they have to pay high rent later, I am really sorry that I don't have money. Lately I've been feeling lonely--craving for someone's presence, people's attention,special touch to the heart--fluff and stuff. Whelp, I hope it's normal. I really crave for someone because let's be honest people find me when they have problems. Like hello do you know me when y...

Things have changed so much these 2 years. I am not who I used to be or who I supposed to be.

Well, it's 10 nights away for Ramadhan to left me. And it's my 5th day into Semester 3. My very last semester and I intend to not waste it-- I will do right this time. No more lazy, bad grades, complaining. It is very stupid to be "someone" new when you are in the last semester. Nahh, it is never late to change, do something good. It's friday yet I'm still at rumah sewa because tomorrow I still have class and I hope my family  understand.Oh and also I want to get back with writing. I need to write back. I need to have passion back. I am so done being depressed, unmotivated and lifeless. It's time to get back up again-- to have something to live, to live again. I want to live. The reason I'm not dead yet is because my life isn't over yet. I have to continue living. I have to cheerish every second I'm on this earth because being I have to appreciate what's there before it's gone.I don't want to die. I want to live.  I have to. ...

I planned everything. I did. Right after that goddamn graduation, I already planned it. I want to be at the stage for something good. I want to beat my classmates. I was damn furious because I couldn't get the best student for perdagangan award. I was so close. She is just one mark higher than me, though. was furious. And I wanted to beat her, beat everyone, prove to them that I am successful and my parents are proud with me and they did. I did. I beat them. I got to be at the goddamn stage with best student award. And little did I know---my life ends there. I didn't get a single offer from any uni, just a polytech. Yeah, it should be fun. I should've go. Yet I chose this form 6 life. I chose this life. Doesn't matter because the price for my 6A's is I lost everything. My will to live, my dreams to study overseas, to become a psychologist/computer expert, and all of it. I have zero motivations to live, my dreams were crushed, I don't even know what I wanna ...

    "Kita hamba, bukan tuhan." Aku mahu semua tahu. Tahu rasanya bila kau punya masalah-- dan orang pandang remeh. Aku mahu semuanya tahu bahawa walau macam mana pun kecil kita nampak, Beban yang invisible dipikul itu, jika diukur. Tak terukur. Aku mahu semua tahu, sekecil mana pun masalah kau, itu tetap masalah. Sekecil mana pun masalah dia, itu tetap masalah. Dan kau tiada hak untuk COMPARE  masalah kau dan dia. Kau tidak perlu " masalah aku yang kau tahu, sikit. yang aku pendam lagi banyak. so relax." Kau tak punya hak itu. Dan sebab  tu aku cukup benci  untuk beritahu masalah aku. Aku benci bila orang compared masalah aku dan dia, atau dengan orang lain. Ya, aku masih ada banyak jika nak dibandingkan dengan orang lain. Tapi,  boleh ke masalah settle dengan comparison? TAK. Kita hamba, bukan Tuhan. Aku bukan para sahabat yang dijanji syurga, bila mana bila Allah turunkan ujian, mereka hadapi dengan syukur. Dan Syukur. ...

Hey, I tried to make everything okay. But I just mess it up. I've ruined everything. Sometimes I wish I am dead, you know. Haha who am I kidding, I'm useless anyway. To think again, why am I here? I fucked everything up. I love my family, but we started to fall apart. Can't blame them, though. They've done everything for me,  I am ungrateful bitch. What did I do for them? Absolutely nothing. I'm better off dead. Yes, absolutely. Wow I am so pathetic. Dear moms, Ya'll did great. I love you guys. Sorry I never do anything great. Sorry I am your daughter. You deserve more. A daughter that helps you in the kitchen, A daughter that do chores not like me. I am stupid I can't even do chores. Sorry. Sorry that I am your  daughter  Sorry I was ever born. Dear Abah, I wish you know you are my hero. You do a lot of great things, I am so lucky that you are my father. But I feel pity for you because I am not what you want.  I am useless, rude, stupid,ungrateful and g...